I know what loneliness feels like. It’s a tight claw clenching your heart. It’s like breathing in and holding your breath from then one. It’s like your body freezes and stiffens, your mind refusing to expand, your only focus on easing the pain.
I’ve never had a problem with being alone. In fact, I’ve always quite enjoyed my own company, being able to fully relax without having to read or response to people. Getting things done efficiently and quick. Thinking and daydreaming without interruption. But loneliness, loneliness is different. Loneliness is scary, it’s a gaping mouth waiting to swallow you whole. It’s the feeling of isolation from the rest of the world; the feeling of being different, of not belonging, without the hope of relief.
I’ve felt lonely many times before. Sitting across a slick and grinning man, HR manager next to him making notes about me that I’ll never get to see and probably don’t want to see anyways, clenching my hands under the table so hard I thought it impossible for them not to notice. Smiling while pretending I want to be here. Pretending I’m one of them. Educated, rich, self-assured and ignorant to other realities. Pretending I would fit in to the role perfectly.
I’ve felt lonely hurrying through university buildings, feeling inadequate because my clothes are old and my backpack is out of fashion. Hoping no one would make fun of me. Hoping I could go unnoticed. Hoping that time goes by quicker. Only feeling okay again when I leave campus, when I’m surrounded by everyday people again who wear all sorts of clothes, not just trendy and shiny pieces seen on instagram.
Loneliness buries beneath your skin. It feels like pressure slowly closing in on you, making you clench your jaw and turn your hands into fists. Slowly, you become stiff and feel too old for this. Too old to pretend you’re excited about the future. Too old to not see the gaps and flickers of desperation around you. It’s when you realize to fit in you have to be ignorant to loneliness and suffering, to not scare anyone off.